Monday, April 6, 2009

Five Things I Currently Find Annoying About Pittsburgh

1) Itinerant Editorializers:

I swear there is at least of these, either unemployed or friendless graduate student, men wandering the East side per neighborhood. They like to frequent coffee shops, in some sort of oversized sweat shirt that is either a piece of Steeler's gear or something with a three-times-removed Native-American pattern. These people generally address commentary to everyone inside a coffee shop or decide to provide passersby with helpful information about what they are wearing, how to walk their dogs, or the average fertility of lava-based soil.

These men are generally friendly but want to consistently insert themselves into conversations into which they are not invited.

2) At least one schizophrenic or psychopath per coffee-shop and (occasionally) restaurant. In some cases they own the place, in others they've been made the official mascot.

3) Pothole Filling:

Anyone who bicycles regularly can attest to the problem. The method for filling up potholes in this community makes it such that the asphalt buckles halfway out of the pot-hole in effect producing an additional obstacle to avoid, not just the hole that remains (with depth somewhat reduced) but also some sort of rim that sits several inches above the road. The mayor has vowed to fill all potholes in the city, which may mean a much more textured road and a more difficult dangerous ride for bicyclists.

4) People Who Leave Half-Eaten Chicken Parts in the Empty Lots Where I Walk My Dog, Hollywood, which She Attempts to Eat and I Then Have to Wrestle Them From Her Mouth.

5) Pittsburgh Show Attendees with the Wrong Attitude:

I don't know if it is the poor air quality or the over-consumption of ranch dressing but PGH youth have the wrong attitude at shows. When I go to shows I generally want to move a little bit. Kids in PGH tend to bob their heads exclusively. I remember attending a Limp Wrist concert where an audience member yelled, "less ass, more thrash" to lead singer Martin, who at the time was wearing only a jockstrap and a leather vest. Martin replied to the skinny kid, "whatever, you need to eat a hamburger." No one laughed.

This weekend attended a show (band Tyvjk) where some chubby drunk asshole spat a mouthful of his malt-liquor forty ounce at me because I was trying to dance a bit to the music. I promptly gestured in a lewd way that he should perform cunnilingus on me. Later he dragged me into a short-lived mosh-pit--the highlight of the evening.