Wednesday, July 14, 2010
So, as my exam date rapidly approaches at the end of next month I am seized by both a sense of total unpreparedness and resulting anxiety, coupled with a lackadaisical devil-may-care confidence that I think is circumventing my ability to stay focused. As a result of this internal conflict my subconscious keeps trying to throttle me back into the appropriate attitude by filling my nights with anxiety dreams about some unforeseen confrontation between me and my advisor.
In the dreams I always enter an incredibly dark office lunchroom, that has the blinds and curtains drawn, and everything has a kind of blue cast. I am usually on my way somewhere as I pass through and I notice the silohuette of my advisor and another important person (usually a graduate student who I consider intelligent). They immediately stand up surprised and confront me about my progress claiming, "Are you ready to take responsibility for yourself?" or, more frightening, "We need to talk about scheduling a specific date." Throughout this brief but startling conversation, the shadows on my advisor's face are so dark that all I can see are the jaundiced whites of his eyes, in startling and cartoon-like relief. I think to some degree these dreams were also spurred by my getting a week off course by trying to tackle most of William Gaddis' JR, a 700+ page novel that is almost entirely dialogue.