Every year after the first three weeks of teaching college freshman I notice that the male students' faces suddenly accumulating unshaved parts, and the goatee is by far the most popular of these "transition to manhood," "out from under the watchful gaze of my parents" grooming changes. I find this at once hilarious, sweet, but also ridiculous.
On the other hand, a full beard (when it can be evenly grown), can enhance the most fugly of faces. But I think I've been a little intolerant of everyone who selects this particular facial hair configuration. I've, over the last few years, even seen a few men whose appearance has been enhanced by the goatee. So I concocted this little questionnaire to give those wanting an opportunity to grow a goatee, a get out of jail free card:
1) Are you a contractor?
2) Are you a gay leather daddy?
3) Are you a transperson or gender queer?
4) Are you a devout Muslim?
5) Is your name Vladimir Ilyich Lenin?
6) Are you African or African-American and keep your facial hair tightly trimmed?
(If you answered "yes" for any of the last 4 questions, do not continue. You are officially absolved for your goatee and can keep your facial hair).
1) Do you agree with the following statement: "Music has never really surpassed the 1990s grunge era. The only comparable era to this moment is the 1960s?"
2) Do you feel your goatee adds a little "danger" to your otherwise pedestrian look?
3) Are you afraid that if you shave your goatee that it will only expose the utter lack of chin you have?
4) Do you regard the goatee as a very contemporary look?
5) Do you find people regard you as a juvenile without your goatee?
6) Are you a regular user of marijuana?
7) Do you find yourself walking around in public wearing sweats or pajama bottoms more than two days out of the week?
8) Do you own an acoustic guitar?
9) Is growing a goatee one thing you have done to accomodate your sense of your own decrease in sex appeal or to address a recent life-altering change (as in a divorce)?
10) Do appreciate what is known as a "landing strip" or completely shaven "parts" on the models you look at regularly in your preferred pornographic material?
11) Do you own any vertically striped dress shirts, particularly in pastel colors?
12) Do you own more than one container of after-shave or cologne?
13) Do you tan regularly?
14) Are you a freshman/freshperson in college?
(If you answered "yes" to more than two questions above you should get that razor out and start whacking).
Please post any other possible questions below.
Below is a typology of facial hair courtesy of wikipedia:
According to the image above (and blog observer Mark), I was wrong. The type of goatee mustache combo I identified was really called "douche bag."
1 - Stubble, 2 - Moustache, 3 - Goatee, 4 -Douchebag, 5 - Mutton-chops, 6 - Friendly Muttonchops, 7 - Van Dyke, 8 - Full beard