Monday, October 6, 2008

Goatee Questionnaire

Those who know me know my intense loathing for the goatee, particularly in its "van dyke" form--usually a fu-manchu mustache that then connects to the goatee. To me the "van dyke" reminds me of a mouth emerging from a brillo pad. This is especially the case for dudes whose facial hair does not match their hair color.

Every year after the first three weeks of teaching college freshman I notice that the male students' faces suddenly accumulating unshaved parts, and the goatee is by far the most popular of these "transition to manhood," "out from under the watchful gaze of my parents" grooming changes. I find this at once hilarious, sweet, but also ridiculous.

On the other hand, a full beard (when it can be evenly grown), can enhance the most fugly of faces. But I think I've been a little intolerant of everyone who selects this particular facial hair configuration. I've, over the last few years, even seen a few men whose appearance has been enhanced by the goatee. So I concocted this little questionnaire to give those wanting an opportunity to grow a goatee, a get out of jail free card:

Section 1:

1) Are you a contractor?

2) Are you a gay leather daddy?

3) Are you a transperson or gender queer?

4) Are you a devout Muslim?

5) Is your name Vladimir Ilyich Lenin?

6) Are you African or African-American and keep your facial hair tightly trimmed?

(If you answered "yes" for any of the last 4 questions, do not continue. You are officially absolved for your goatee and can keep your facial hair).

Section 2:

1) Do you agree with the following statement: "Music has never really surpassed the 1990s grunge era. The only comparable era to this moment is the 1960s?"

2) Do you feel your goatee adds a little "danger" to your otherwise pedestrian look?

3) Are you afraid that if you shave your goatee that it will only expose the utter lack of chin you have?

4) Do you regard the goatee as a very contemporary look?

5) Do you find people regard you as a juvenile without your goatee?

6) Are you a regular user of marijuana?

7) Do you find yourself walking around in public wearing sweats or pajama bottoms more than two days out of the week?

8) Do you own an acoustic guitar?

9) Is growing a goatee one thing you have done to accomodate your sense of your own decrease in sex appeal or to address a recent life-altering change (as in a divorce)?

10) Do appreciate what is known as a "landing strip" or completely shaven "parts" on the models you look at regularly in your preferred pornographic material?

11) Do you own any vertically striped dress shirts, particularly in pastel colors?

12) Do you own more than one container of after-shave or cologne?

13) Do you tan regularly?

14) Are you a freshman/freshperson in college?

(If you answered "yes" to more than two questions above you should get that razor out and start whacking).

Please post any other possible questions below.

Below is a typology of facial hair courtesy of wikipedia:



According to the image above (and blog observer Mark), I was wrong. The type of goatee mustache combo I identified was really called "douche bag."

1 - Stubble, 2 - Moustache, 3 - Goatee, 4 -Douchebag, 5 - Mutton-chops, 6 - Friendly Muttonchops, 7 - Van Dyke, 8 - Full beard

6 comments:

Himself said...

A sensible and comprehensible rule.

Technically, the beard you are referring to, wherein the goatee and the moustache are conjoined, is not a Van Dyke. The Van Dyke is more acceptable. I've searched for years to find a term for this beard, but haven't managed to. This is surprising since this beard was so ubiquitous around the mid-90s, and is now basically what the mullet was in the early 90s, i.e. a moribund throwback. Wikipedia I note currently calls it the 'Hollywoodian', which is appropriate enough, but lacks attribution.

John Foster Cartwright said...

I agree that this "Hollywood" or "Douche Bag" is pretty rediculous/hilarious. I'm pretty relieved that the only times I really have to look at bad post-pubescent facial hair is when a freshmen "Intro to modern and contemp. art" class makes it's way through the museum. Half the time, these are CMU classes and the number is even smaller due to the high number of persons of asian descent. (See: Marcus Kim) But I would like to point out that perhaps more prevalent on UofPitt is the equally atrocious "Chin Strap." Similar questions apply to the chin-strap and also some different ones.
Similarly:
3) Are you afraid that if you shave your goatee that it will only expose the utter lack of chin you have?

11) Do you own any vertically striped dress shirts, particularly in pastel colors?

Differently:

Do you enjoy polo shirts with either a use of the word American, the logogram for and (&), or an image of an eagle or moose?

Are you an exceptional example of young white male middle class privilege, yet shun your parents preferences of folk and easy listening for top 40 hip hop?

Himself said...

"Are you an exceptional example of young white male middle class privilege, yet shun your parents preferences of folk and easy listening for top 40 hip hop?"

Couldn't this, at a stretch, by answered in the affirmative by our blogger himself?

SkidMarquez said...

A couple stretches there. I don't completely shun "folk," just easy listening. Plus my parents like prog. Plus I lack an iPhone.

Himself said...

I'm not happy that apparently in the US it's the baseball cap brigade who have iPhones – because I have one. The only one of my students who has one is a sassy Muslim girl. Of course, none of my students remotely fits into any of the negative categories touted here.

Anonymous said...

Hah why are you so obsessed with other people's faces.
Don't you have better things to worry about?